Friday, October 19, 2012

A Brief History of Malarkey Texas

My Thoughts on the US Presidential (or not so Presidential) Debates and the Letter M

Malarkey Texas located in the vast triangular wasteland known as the Malarkey Triangle has a fascinating history. The Malarkey region is bounded on the north-east by Fort Worth, San Antonio on the south-east and El Paso anchoring the west locus of the triangle. Unlike the more well known Bermuda Triangle objects can leave the area; instead of disappearing, objects enter and leave at will but are somehow changed, twisted and distorted. They have their Lefts and Rights reversed and don’t have a peanut and chocolate filled Center.

About fifty people from three closely related families (the Mals, Larks, and Keys) first settled the area in 1874 when their wagons broke down on their way from Secaucus New Jersey to Oxnard California. They were attempting to participate in the second audition of Pioneer Idol hosted by Gene Autry. The current town of Malarkey is inhabited primarily by the descendants of the original settlers and a few assorted travelers who found a home in Malarkey after turning left and then a quick right at the Big Bird Oyster Bar on Canal Street in New Orleans while drinking triple shots of buffalo schnapps. Several Harvard Law School graduates and a disbarred NFL referee had been reported in the area as recently as 2007, along with Bigfoot, DB Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa and four baseball players to be named later.

Those hearty souls, being fair minded pioneers, purchased 3000 acres of the worst farmland in the area from the local Native Americans at a fair price and gave them six of their best horses and two women to sweeten the deal. One family moved in the late 1890s to Corpus Christi and opened a widely successful seafood restaurant called “Whales and Tail”. They operated a whorehouse just down the street, which offered a “Two for One” discount (good for both establishments) on Tuesdays. 

Another family perfected a method to dehydrate horse manure and created a pyramid scheme to sell the by-product under the trade name Organic Rocks as a cure for… they never ever said what. It was just marketed it as The Cure on QVC. PETA and Mr. Ed sued the makers of Organic Rocks for inhumane treatment in the procurement of the raw materials. The judge threw the case out and proclaimed, “It stinks, it doesn’t pass the smell test.”

In the early 1920s the Hoboken branch of the family built a casino and a mega church on the same piece of property. By day revival meetings were held that attracted people from far and wide and at night the local Native Americans ran a very successful casino and taco wagon. The profits funded the construction of hospitals and schools for any person regardless of race, religion, country of origin or sexual preference (to the early settlers this meant either sheep or goats). Patrons could stay for both venues without a surcharge, although they were required to stop praying aloud when playing the slots.

Around 1935 several families grew tired of being the butt of bad jokes moved away from Malarkey and founded the nearby town of Podunk, several of their descendents later moved to Bumfuck. Large family reunions have been held since 1952, rotating every four years between the three communities.

The highlight of the Malarkey Family Reunion is the Tall Tales Festival (named after one of the Corpus Christi workers who was six and a half feet tall). The Tall Tales Festival is usually held in October of Presidential years and is widely known as the Debates. Contestants from all parts of the county compete in regional contests until the Master Debaters are selected. Usually there are two finalists, but once in a while a third finalist arrives. He or she is referred to as the Third Partier or the Spoiler. Prizes are awarded on a dual points system, that no one can understand or change. The prizes include the right to invade a small country, several aircraft carriers and a buy one and get one free at “Whales and Tail.” None of the prizes can be redeemed for cash and are not good with any other promotions. Malarkey County College officials are the final arbiters of the Debates; they are anonymous residents of Malarkey, Podunk or Bumfuck. This group of people is known as “They” or “Them.”

Another famous ritual performed by the residents of the Malarkey region is the Clusterfuck. This could be any event whenever three or more of residents congregate for more than 15 minutes. Outsiders think of the Clusterfuck as a pagan dance. Others regard it as a group learning activity filled with negative vibes (see the movie the Dirty Dozen for an example of Clusterfuck and negative vibes). Psychiatrists refer to those who perform the Clusterfuck as Just Plain Crazy. Large numbers of young men took the Clusterfuck to Vietnam during the 1960s as a form of entertainment. The outcome of which can be measured today by counting the number of Vietnamese restaurants in any given area.

During one stop of the Traveling Political Silly Season Bus Tour and Rock and Roll Show in Malarkey Texas the locals were heard chanting, as the Master Debaters were kissing babies in the horse barn, “Don’t step in the malarkey.” It was unclear whether the Master Debaters, horses, babies or some combination of the three were excreting malarkey.

SEO Services & ToolsSubmit Express


  1. Now that story has a real Irish smell to it! Am I right?

  2. Much news coverage was made about the "malarkey" comment VP Biden made during the debates. Whether it was Irish or not was discussed. I am so saturated with politics and malarkey made my day.